Five years ago, the National Liberaly Consevative And Labourers Party, lead by myself (wearing a bucket on my head) took the 2010 general election of the United Kingdom by storm with 0 votes. You can read about our 2010 campaign by clicking here.
Five years later, another general election is looming. My public relations advisor has therefore decided that now would be an appropriate time to outline our 2015 Manifesto. In this post, I intend to discuss our party’s policies, plans, and break for lunch several times at the expense of the public purse.
Meet The New, Improved Cabinet
Taxes are a tough subject for any political party, but we think we have the answer; scrap all taxes. No tax on income, no VAT, no council tax, nothing. At the end of the day, that’s what the people want, right?
So how, you may ask, will education, public services, council housing, the NHS, emergency services and The Royal Family be funded?
Good question. Firstly, we’ll hold a mandatory raffle once a year, for just £1 a ticket, and the prize will be one bottle of Tesco Value Gin. By my calculations, there are 60.80 million people in the UK, and if each one bought a £1 raffle ticket, that’s 60.80 million squidlly-didllys.
Admittedly this is a trifle short of the required £694.89 billion that the UK government is currently spending, so we’re also going to hold a bit of a yard sale outside parliament. I’m pretty sure some of that old shit is valuable.
We’re not arsing around on this one. We’re going to ban motor-cars and give everyone a bicycle. We’re going to ban buses and replace them with giant water slides that go from place to place. We’re going to keep trains cause I like those, but we’re bringing back the old slam door efforts. None of this plastic crap we have now.
Sure, everyone would like a free house off the council, but there are simply too many people looking for homes, and not enough homes looking for people.
The answer is obvious.
We’re going to knock down every house in the country, private or not, and use the material to build a giant roof over the entire country. We take this matter extremely seriously, which is why our motto for this election is “One nation. One roof.” You’ll be allocated a set space to keep your personal belongings. If any of your stuff goes missing, you needn’t worry, because you’ll always know it’s in the house. Somewhere.
We’ll keep it hot in the winter using a giant combi-boiler installed in the North Sea, and keep it cool in the summer by opening the giant windows we’ll have installed to provide daylight.
The beauty of our housing policy also extends into our Immigration policy. As there will only be one way in or out of the United Kingdom, the front door, we can keep a tight control on immigration. The back door will lead into the back garden, Northern Ireland, which will be fenced off.
We are going to be employing a giant army of robot dogs that yap and flip over occasionally to patrol our border. These dogs will be fitted with the latest technology to help them detect people without, or using, false, passports / visas, or just generally look a bit dodgy.
Anyone leaving the country will be asked ‘not to wander too far’ and to ‘be back in time for tea’. Anyone failing to return in due course will be sent to bed without supper.
Other Party Policies
- Replacing ‘Dub Step’ with ‘Love Step’
- The immediate exile of Katie Hopkins
- Greggs The Bakers to give me the two jam donuts they essentially robbed from me in broad daylight.
- Thomas The Tank Engine’s face to replace the face on every statue and monument in the land.
- Facebook to be closed down and replaced by an IRC chat room.
- Sting to be replaced with a robotic version of Sting.
VOTE FOR A KING! Vote for the NCLALAPCALFCBBCNBCYBIRDWhateverthefuckwe’reevencalled.